I’ve been with my husband for almost 11 years. We are approaching our 7th year of marriage.
I was reading an article recently that made me think about what marital advice I would now give my then self before I got married.
Below are 7 advice tips I would now take had I known then what I know now:
1. Be upfront about your needs and wants
When I met my now husband I was 23 years old. At the time he was already 30 and more established and experienced than I was. Although I was an adult I was still pretty young and hadn’t had many serious relationships before him. We started as a normal courtship that developed into an organic serious relationship over time. Neither of us had expectations for the other so we went with the flow and our friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship on its own. Because our relationship took this “cool” approach I never took the time to really sit and state what my expectations were. To be honest I never really thought about it and that’s something I wish I had taken more serious at the time. As women, we typically evolve more than men. In my experience and talking to multiple other married women, I find that most of us complain that our men often become complacent. Looking back I should have taken the time to develop my expectations and make it know so we’re on the same page. Not doing so caused a breakdown in communication, because I expected him to just know which is unrealistic since I hadn’t been upfront.
2. Don’t ignore the warning signs
To be completely transparent this is where I have to be really honest with myself and say “Quinda, you fucked up”. It’s funny how phrases like “crazy in love” will really have you behaving foolishly or plain stupid. I sit back now and realize that some of the main issues I have with my husband aren’t new. Some of my biggest gripes are behaviors he’s exhibited from day one. That whole smitten phase will have you abandoning common sense. I can remember vividly certain instances where I peeped something that seemed off, but since we were in a good space I didn’t bring light to situations I should have. There are things I fuss at him about now that I overlooked in the beginning which causes a communication breakdown to this day. My lack of addressing issues causes arguments when I bring them up now because to him he’s not doing “anything wrong’’. I’m not putting blame on myself for his actions, but I can now be accountable for how my lack of communication created situations that have contributed to boundaries being crossed. The lack of boundaries have now caused resentment on my end. One issue in particular was money. I saw how things were being mishandled in my opinion and I didn’t speak up. I kept that whole “go with the flow” mentality which has come back to bite me in the ass. I remember sitting in therapy one day when we were arguing about money and our therapist asked “so what happened when you had the money talk”. I knew then that I should have not ignored things I saw. Had I addressed those behaviors and asked the appropriate questions I could’ve been more aware of what I was getting into. I would have had more knowledge to be better equipped for the relationship in the long run. This applies to money and across the board.
I add this too. Marriage doesn’t fix a thing. Whatever problems you have before saying “I DO” will be waiting for you after the honeymoon. I would advise myself to fix whatever issues are current so they don’t spill over later.
3. Understand the actions you take now are the blueprint for the future
We don’t listen to our mamas all the time, but this is one thing I really wish I had. I can recall a day when I was just talking about me doing stuff for my boyfriend at the time. I was casually talking to my mama about it and she said “be careful what you do now, because it will become an expectation and you’ll have to keep that up”. I know she didn’t mean that comment as a diss and she was speaking from experience so I didn’t take it to heart. Looking back now I really wish I would’ve listened. We weren’t married yet and the relationship was still in the honeymoon phase. At the time nothing had happened to make me question his intentions so I didn’t mind being “nice”.
As women, we tend to be more giving and lead with our hearts. I don’t think anything is wrong with that, but we need to be careful when entering new relationships. I don’t want to generalize and say all men, so I will say that “some” men can and will take advantage even if they’re not doing it intentionally. Doing too much too soon can set the tone and all of those “nice gestures” can turn into men not showing value or appreciation. Speaking for myself it caused major arguments due to the fact I wasn’t feeling appreciated and my husband not understanding where my frustration was coming from. Had I made my then boyfriend earn certain privileges I believe he would’ve been more grateful and I wouldn’t feel as if my contributions are not fully acknowledged and underappreciated.
4. Don’t apologize for your growth
Once I hit around that 30 year mark I felt a shift in the atmosphere. By that time I had been in my career and been through life situations that caused me to grow into myself more. It’s something about those 30’s that make you unapologetic and more secure within yourself. My outlook was different and I now had my own experiences to validate my thought process which made me realize I wasn’t putting up with anyone’s shit. My approach was different and my expectations followed suit. There was one time we were talking and I was made the comment “I’m not the same 23 year old you first met”. I stopped and realized that I had grown into a mature woman therefore, my requirements needed to match. There needed to be a level of “stepping up”. Some things I let slide before wouldn’t pass anymore. I became more clear and confident in what I required in a partner and I wouldn’t back down or apologize for expecting more. I’ll be 35 this year so I have the whole “I’ll be damned” attitude about damn near everything. Lol! You wouldn’t have been able to tell me at 23 I’d be like this. The naivety and meek has been replaced with wisdom and growth. Either you will come correct…or you will need to get the hell out of my face and I won’t apologize for it.
5. Be kind to yourself for your mistakes
As I mentioned throughout this post I can see a lot of errors on my part for what I allowed and didn’t fully speak up about. There have been times where I’ve come down on myself for being stupid or a goofy bitch, but the reality is I just didn’t know. No one starts out knowing what to do in relationships. We meet people and learn as we go. Also, some of the ideas about love come from our upbringings and environment. I went through a time when I had to unlearn a lot of ideas that weren’t my own. I came to the conclusion that my idea of marriage came from societal pressure and I had to get to a space where I formed my own thoughts and opinions. Also, we all make mistakes, get with people who aren’t right for us, are embarrassed by our behaviors, maybe even done things we said we’d never do and wish we could take some of those actions back. I had to tell myself all of that is ok. You are still valuable even with your mistakes. The main objective is to learn from said behaviors and not let those mistakes define who you are. Continue growing and evolving from those experiences.
6. You’re not perfect or always right
Not trying to be funny, but this was a huge shocker to me. Lol! Ok, I don’t think perfect in the literal sense, but I thought I was pretty damn close. Really. Not sure if you can tell, but I am a huge advocate for therapy. I’ve had many “ahh haa” moments that really put things into perspective for me. One was when I was called out by the therapist for “ punishing my husband”. I was so taken aback by her comment it actually pissed me off and I argued with her. After I simmered down I realized what she was saying, which was the same thing my husband had been saying, but in a different way. Basically since I’m a sensitive person when I feel that I’ve been wronged I take it to heart more than most people. Some people can have a disagreement, say what needs to be said and move on. I’m not one of those people. I’m far more sensitive than the average person so I tend to hold things in more than I probably should. I think that comes from my intentions or wanting to do right by others that when I’m hurt I come off like how dare you hurt “ME”. Although my intentions are never to put myself on a pedestal or come off like I never do any wrong or cause hurt, I can see how that disposition can be offensive. It took me a while to learn to perspective is a person’s reality and no matter what I mean it can be taken offensively to someone else. Surprise….I’m not perfect either.
7. Don’t let the marriage consume you so much to where you lose yourself
Being with a man that’s older can be tricky. Although it’s not a huge age gap it matters. We were both adults, but his experienced outweighed mine. I can honestly say that he never forced me to do anything. Even when it came to us getting married. Initially before he proposed I wasn’t up for even entertaining the idea. He made it clear what he wanted in our relationship, but also gave me time to come to that realization on my own. I never felt pressured to marry him or even be serious for that matter. It all just happened without force. That I can say for sure.
However, after time my priority changed to where my focus was being a “wife”. Don’t get me wrong I still have always had a life and maintained my friendships, career, hobbies and interests. I think that over time my identify became tied to who I was at home. That’s not a terrible thing, but if I could talk to my future self I would’ve cautioned myself to keep some things to just being Quinda. My personal life was only second to being a wife. I saw my friends if my husband and I didn’t have anything planned, I put ideas and what I wanted to do on the back burner if they didn’t line up with the agenda that was already set at the moment. I didn’t speak up about what truly makes ME happy as a person without first taking into consideration of the marriage. I got to the point where what was going on in my marriage affected how I viewed myself. I knew I needed a change.
Now none of those things are technically wrong, but I wasn’t being honest with that I needed which caused me to be resentful once I saw my sacrifices weren’t being matched. I think that goes back to the dynamic of men and women. I believe that by nature the feminine energy is one that is soft and subtle and we put everyone first. Especially when we have children. Our whole identity becomes our husbands and kids. We cook the meals, keep with the appointments, arrange the social activities, make sure clothes fit, give the baths, take care of the kids when they’re sick…..the list goes on. We will look up and not even remember the last time we took time for ourselves. From my observation, men don’t have the problem of feeling guilty when they do anything outside of their families. I guess since women are nurturers we feel as if we’re not nurturing we’re not doing our jobs. We have to remember that sometimes we’re the ones who need the nurturing at times and it’s ok to put ourselves first.
Since I’m a mom naturally I talk to a lot of moms and we all say the same thing. We don’t get the appreciation and acknowledgement we need and deserve. I will tell my future self to remember to take time for me and pour into myself so I don’t feel that burnout or that lonely feeling of being underappreciated.
Putting myself first at times is not selfish. It’s imperative to keeping a healthy balance and remembering who Quinda is.
-Q