I’m sick of the expression “she’s a strong black woman”. It’s annoying AF and sets this unrealistic expectation for black woman to be super human. It sets the tone that we’re expected to be durable while ignoring the fact that we’re human.
I understand where the phrase comes from and that some say it thinking it’s a compliment or even a badge of honor, but it’s not. It’s actually exhausting.
The world doesn’t allow black women to be vulnerable. We can’t just exist. From birth as black girls we have odds stacked against us.
We’re over sexualized, called derogatory words such as ghetto and welfare queens, and viewed as aggressive and/or angry.
The quote from Malcolm X sums it up perfectly “The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman.”
Unfortunately in my experience I find this to be this to be true. However, as black women we have to keep going. We hurt, we get disappointed, we need help, we want to be taken care of, but we don’t have time to wait. We got shit to do. Yes, we’re strong. Not because we want to be…it’s because we HAVE to be. Who will protect us, but us? What are our choices?
Black women are the “mothers” of society. We take care of everything and everybody. Everything comes from us. We have to literally nurse the nation, create all trends (and don’t receive credit for it), we’re always expected to come in and “fix” everything, but our contributions go undervalued and we’re uncompensated.
Trust me. We don’t want this title. We’re actually sick of it. The world does not deserve us.
The whole “strong black woman” stigma is actually damaging to us. This title is not a compliment nor is it a badge of honor.
We are dealt shit and somehow have to make magic from it. We get degrees, start successful businesses, provide for our families, run corporations, impact the entertainment and beauty industries…the list goes on. That’s where the whole phrase “black girl magic” comes from. We’re not magical though. I get it. We make it look easy and we look amazing doing so, but we’re not some mythical magical beings. We’re fucking human beings damn it.
This is not the same for white women or even other women of color. There is a difference between black women and women of color. Other women are able to have human emotions. They can cry, speak up for themselves at work, and voice their opinion without being called words such as “threatening or hostile”. If black women are to react the exact same way we will face consequences and be critically judged.
There is no way we can take on the burdens and it not affect us negatively in some shape or form. Being a “strong black women” does us more damage than good. It has damaging effects on our mental health, self-esteem, physical health, increases exposure to trauma, as well as directly puts us in situation to experience abuse such as mental, physical and sexual.
In my observation this ideal of “strength” is the expectation for black women even in relationships. You’d think that black men would want to be providers and protectors, but sadly this isn’t always the norm. In this day and time black women are providers for the home, running businesses, earning income and still expected to be the primary care givers for the kids and manage the households. We have to have all of these things thrown at us and still be expected to “hold it down”.
I’m not a black man and I can’t speak for them, but I’m not even sure they notice it. I think they’re so used to seeing it and used to us always making it happen that a second thought isn’t given about how we’re really doing.
Often times (not all) black men buy into the concept of romanticizing struggle love, which is one of my number one pet peeves. It’s almost like black woman have to prove they’re able to endure hardships before being loved properly. It really bothers me that this is normal.
I remember being in a fairly new relationship over 10 years ago when I was in my early 20’s the man I was seeing stated the advice he got from his older brother was to make sure I was “battle tested”. At the time I didn’t think too much of it, but it really bothers me now. Why was I expected to be geared for struggle? Why do I have to prove to be toughened by battle in order to be deemed as a suitable partner?
I sit back and wonder if men notice or even care about the damaging effects that being a “strong black women” have on us. Maybe they don’t know.
By nature women are supposed to be feminine, soft, delicate, but we can’t because we’re expected to be so damn strong all the time. How are we supposed to tender if the strong stigma is placed upon us. We damn sure didn’t ask for it so why do we have to live up to this expectation?
In my observation the phrase is conveniently thrown as an excuse for us to deal with bullshit such as accepting men who don’t deserve us, raising kids alone, dealing with unloving spouses, taking back cheating husbands, etc.
I’ll use my personal experiences as an example. I realize that I took back a cheating partner, because the expectation was for me to be “strong”. Not only had he cheated he messed up money, lied continuously, became unreliable, was not emotionally available, didn’t respect my feelings, etc. He was overall a bad partner. It was embedded in me subconsciously through society that this comes with being a woman. Men can have shortcomings and not be suitable partners, but we’re supposed to stay with them to make THEM better. This is just what we do. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “men can’t handle what women can”. I stupidly equated acceptance with being strong. The thing is it didn’t make me strong. It did the exact opposite. It broke me down. For years I wasn’t the same. It affected how I viewed myself. It made me question my worth and value. Here’s where it gets interesting.
When the “strength” wore off and I broke down (you know because I’m human) and I couldn’t portray being strong anymore and my vulnerably showed he had the nerve to call me weak. I read a post recently where a black woman stated in relationships she was the one doing the giving. Whether it’s emotional, financial, etc. and men took from her until she had nothing left and the men she gave to yelled at her when they were the ones who broke her. I understood what she meant. It instantly took me back to those moments of being called weak. It was all good and I’m strong as long as I’m dealing with mistreatment taking it in stride, but the moment I show or voice how it affects me I’m weak.
I know this is a specific instance, but my experiences are not unique. This story has been told time and time by black women. It saddens me this is this considered a normal part of a relationship.
We have to overcome all obstacles placed on us by society then come home and be superhuman to our partners and kids for fear of feeling like failures. Where is our safe space? When can we take off the armor? When can we stop being strong and just be women?
I want to experience just being a woman and being allowed to have all the emotions that come with womanhood. I don’t want to be a “strong black woman” anymore. I’m tired.
-Q